happy anniversary

first and foremost, i would like to greet my beloved brothers a very happy 30th anniversary. They were the ones who helped and instilled the values that I am right now. I would like to thank them for every help and inspiration that they have given me. Without them, I am nothing. Cheers!

can't stop this feeling that I've got...

why did a surreal thing felt so true...
so intimate..., and you wake up suddenly
wanting to be in that world all over again...
but then you can't and you have to face this
stupid reality all over again.


Some people say that our life is like a stream continues to flow through the course of time. Then sometimes when we dream, when we are in this altered state of ours, we travel along the "stream of life" and there are occassions that we see a glimpse of what might happen in our future. Many would try to disprove this notion saying its too mystical. Indeed it might be very difficult to explain this subconcious phenomena of dreams, but for me in my own personal opinion, I believe in some aspects that dreams are often an interpretation of what may happen in the future but not all the time. Some dreams may be full of rubbish and lust, while others are weird and gore.

I admit that I have dreams that came true months after I dream about it. Some of my friends can even attest to that. Indeed it can happen. But the funny thing is they are just glimpses of what took place. Then I can fell a funny feeling of deja vu when it occured. A feeling that somehow or someway you have seen the event or it happened before and you cannot explain how or why. But yesterday's dream was different. In the said dream I felt the things, I dream about asking myself was I dreaming or not. I felt the kiss of the person who was in the dream. I felt her lips touch mine as we interlocked in embrace and showed our deep affection with each other. This girl, I really can never recall her face. A Barbie Almalbis look-a-like. Funny though, it also came to the point that I remember the dialogue which we spoke. I even asked her, "di ba engaged ka na?" Hmmm... would I be involved with a person who is about to marry? Furthemore, to add to it's weirdness, my sleep was about an hour to an hour and a half but then the dream took a span of 5 days to a week.

I hope my dreams are not black and white, its so hard to distinguish faces especially details. I envy a friend of mine who has a colored dream. It's funny though because he's a he. According to my proffessor in Psychology, mostly men's dream are black and white while women are colored. I just hope that this dream of mine would not manifest in the near future. Can't stand another upset... or whatever that means.

finally a post in days...

work.. work.. work..

I still have to be thankful in where I am right now. I may be deficient in certain aspects of my life or the things I do but still I am standing and ready to face everyday with a smile in my face. I'm relatively contented right now, but still searching for a better life maybe in the future for myself, my family and hopefully my future family. I envision myself 10-15 years from now, deserving a huge amount of paycheck, driving my own porshe carrera GTX Turbo on my way home. Having to deserve a vacation at least twice a month. It's actually not a life of luxury and pleasure but of enjoyment of the fruits of my labor. Thank God that imagining things is still free in this world.

This morning I had a weird feeling of dreaming inside a dream. There was a point in where I am dreaming that I actually contemplated and asked myself if I am dreaming or not. Everyhting felt so true of course until I felt someone staring at me, which turns out to be my brother. Until now, the dream is still vivid in my memory and it won't seem to go away. Maybe that's what I get when I often yank too much about getting up too early in the morning. I remember a professor of mine in Philosophy asked us a question before he left the class. What if the world we are living right now is all a part of a big dream? how do we determine if we are really dreaming in this time? is there a basis for us to know that we exist in this world and is not part of a whole big dream? hahaha! more thinking for me and it sucks!

It sucks when I hear the phrase "nasa huli ang pagsisi" I'm trying to make amends to my shortcomings during the early times but then realizing that my efforts are somehow futile. My actions now really do not matter anymore because of certain things that led to the outburst of the issues. But then, its better late than never. I presume!


Hehehe, glad to be back to the posting world!

the kinda feeling...

"in the morning,
you know we won't remember a thing"

i felt troubled yesterday upon hearing from my mom personally that she had an accident... i personally promised myself that i won't let her commute on herself. whew! when i saw her in the emergency room in the hospital, i felt sa sudden urge to cry... but then after a while realizing its not so bad after all. thank God!...

still no drive to work... i still miss her... not even knowing how she is, how she is doing, and what's up with her makes me paranoid every now and then. but i cannot text her because i wanna prove something in myself... and i seem to have not found the answers yet to my questions... but soon perhaps... only time can tell when... but i'll be ready and more equipped in the future, that's one thing i know.

i just pray to God that everything will be alright... thats all



whatever it leads me into...

moments of desperate longingness... *i think

"the way to know if you feel something different,
seclude yourself and feel the desolation inside...
if the feeling remains to be consistent, then there
is something different.

yearning: a persistent and strong desire, usually for somebody or something unattainable or not within immediate reach

can i be more willing to risk it again and feel shattered inside. this is for watching too much chick flicks and imo DVD's. Shame on me for being such a sucker for this... it was never meant to be that way if i haven't pushed myself into thinking that someway a good thing may happen. Life is not a bed of roses, actually it is a bed of roses with thorns.

someday, i will truly understand... but now i must live with the truth, i am no hyporcite and deny the fact that i feel yearning. the conversations, the laughter, the experiences, etc were relatively popping into my head everytime. as i try to link it with my rational mind, i only end up in a dead end. though my mind tells me not to attempt to pursue impossibility, but then the ally i always had shouts conquer impossibility, defy odds, and defeat your fears. so utopian... but then i am considering following it. i only live once, and maybe its not so good to be always on the safe side.

i think therefore i am???
cogito ergo sum???



nah....



i feel therefore i am...



whatever that means. . .

*excerpts from a chameleon. . .

"i lurk in the environment,
shadows of the colors around you
i'm a chameleon, blending in. . .
trying not to be seen... trying not to be found. . ."

how do you manipulate someone without them ever noticing it? some persons have mastered this art of deception that even a slightest chance of uncovering such plot is near impossibility. well almost... it's very hard to deduce how such things can happen, but we can deny the fact that such persons do exist. they manipulate people for their own benefit, to have their control over other people's lives and indeed such a wonderful thing to do.

do we need some kind a motivation for such actions, or is it really innate in each people these traits that all we have to do is recognize, accept, and enhance such potentials for it to manifest fully.


to be continued....

monday morning blues

"waking up early in the morning, tired and pissed off,
i hesitantly pulled myself up and started the day with
a disillusioned mind and an angry heart"


i really hate monday's, it somehow gives me the idea that i'm off to work again. the earliest time i heard shouting was 5:00 AM, and its freakin pissing me off. i hate such actions. . . oh well so much for a good day start. . .

im starting to feel the compassion for the helpless, maybe because i am helpless in a certain level. to reach impossibility has never been my goal in life, but then here i am aiming for it, trying to get at least a feeling of satisfaction with what i do not knowing that in the end i will just feel broken, remorseful and pitiful about myself for pursuing such a thing. but what the hell! i'm here already might as well fall 100 storeys than just 10... you'd die the same fatal death.

i had been experiencing difficulty in my injured left ankle. oh well... so much for my basketball escapades this month. oh and i completely forgot that i don't even have a rubber shoes for me to play ball, how am i gonna start.... stupidity is everything.... whatever that means...


hahaha... off to work then....


whatever!

sunday night escapade in the pc... * for the nth time

"there are certain things that just passes by our lives, and there are things that stay forever, the question is which of them are the most important for all of us?"

i hate dull moments in the night when you lie there, sleep still does not cross your mind... those dull moments help each one of us think, realize and ponder the things we have done for the day. that is why i hate it, i can realize and ponder how pathetic my life seems to be. i am not degrading myself or anything, i just want to understand why is such everyone is trying to act that everything is ok and fine, while the truth is that it's not. Plainly stupid.

lately there had been questions pounding my head whether i belong to the optimist group, the pessimist group, or the stoic/apathetic/dillusional group. come to think of it, i really don't have any kind of firm belief in what i stand. Maybe i can just put it this way, my choice of view varies depending on the situation i am faced into, or opportunities or decisions that i should make. i want to argue that it's very difficult to stick to one of these three because there are certain scenarios that each will encounter that the application of such seems inappropriate. i don't wanna dig into details, it just gives me the headache... besides for me this issue is gibberish...

so what do i do now... i just wait till sleep finds me, go to my room, close the door, open the fan, lie myself to sleep while surrounded by trash, old clothes, and books in my room. who would even care?...


whatever!